I went to EU on such a short notice. I wanted reprieve, silence. I wanted to hear my heart speak. I went to a place where people are refined, but most were unfriendly. I needed to feel alone, and yet secure in my own person. For three days, while my good friend Cashmer was busy attending business meetings, I chose to explore and walk along the cold, unfamiliar streets of Paris. It was solitude, at its grandest, the best birthday present I could ever give myself.
For five months, I was silently trying to heal, and somehow, conceal my wounds. The cuts were deep. I never thought it would ever run deep. It was worse than I thought. I was trying to stay strong for I have things to deliver and a number of people counting on me, and I never wanted to be there just for the sake of being there. I have established myself in this field for over a decade, and I’m not throwing everything away just because I was on the verge of an emotional divorce. I used to believe in ‘that something’ – I was in love with “that idea”, and it meant more than a career. It used to be “the life”, which some people thought was the best for me. I worked hard for it, made sacrifices…and it made me happy and fulfilled for a while, until the day came, and I could no longer ignore the writings on the wall – it’s over.
I attended a multi-cultural wine appreciation class in Paris. At the end of that class, I learned about the sophisticated world of French wine. In the process, I met one facet of my old self again. She was that one assertive lass who was learning and frolicking in an unfamiliar environment. She did not seem to mind the unknown; she was excited to explore. She was not giving herself boundaries in terms of learning and walking the high road. I know she is a rebel for a good cause. I just have to say it, I know her. I was her.
To be writing about a broken heart this way, I’m finally relieved of the pain from the cuts and bruises. I may have flaws, made amends in the process, recognized my weaknesses – but I’m not going to trade the character that took me decades to build with all the love and guidance I received.
For the times I acted immature, for all the ignorance, and for all the growing pains – I have forgiven myself. It cannot be apathy for so long. For all the things which weighed me down for months, I’m now making it official – I am emotionally divorced. I am moving on.